Trying to be happy today for the success of a friend and co-worker but the evil monster has reared its head and strong feelings of failure and inadequacy have burst to the surface.  It’s taking a lot of will power not to act on them.

For some reason this year has been a rather rough year for me mentally.  Depression has been running rampant and while I can't quite put my finger on a specific reason it does seem to revolve around the fact that I feel like I'm in an absolute rut.  Every day my life consists of get up, go to work, eat lunch, work some more, go home, think about work, go to bed.  There just doesn't seem to be anything else swirling in my mind lately other than work, which is very concerning.  I wasn't always that way and I'm trying to look back and figure out where the car ran off the road.

At work I've been stuck doing the same kind of work for the last 5 years; though with different titles and more tasks being added as I go but the job is essentially the same.  I sometimes miss the leadership role and being able to mentor.  I'm told that I'm in a very important position and its considered a leadership type of role but it just doesn't feel that way.  I feel isolated like I'm on an island with the occasional boat that drives by to ask me for something.

It seems on the weekends I never feel like going out to do anything.  I've lived in the same city my entire life and now the thought of going anywhere or doing anything here just sounds boring.  I feel wanderlust beginning to boil up inside me, trying to convince me its time to pack up and move but I step back and look at the obligations I have and the idea just seems to fizzle out.

I'm at the point where I just don't know if I'm coming or going.  It's confusing, frustrating, and causes the depression monster to try and claw its way out again.  I can only hope that I can keep it at bay long enough to enact some change in my life so I can get out of this rut.

Rejection is not something I handle very well.  Now when I'm talking about rejection, I'm not referring to the rejection of not being able to sell something or being told no, but the rejection of being told that I'm not good enough for something.  This kind of rejection I have heard so very often through my life and it has a tendency to drive me into an obsessive rage.  I know in my mind and heart that I can do absolutely anything if given the time, knowledge, and resources to do it.  I can recall back to my early theater days when I was very vane and prideful.  I can recall being turned down to sing "Music of the Night" from the Phantom of the Opera, with the statement that my voice wasn't good enough at the time.  Up to that point, I had been singing for over a decade at a professional level, so being told that I wasn't good enough to do that, was like being shot in the heart at point blank range with a shotgun.  It made me absolutely obsessive to the point that I can sing the piece of music on command at any time.  

Now here we are 25 years later and I'm still having to face statements of not being good enough for things like career promotions.  Just recently this occurred and I'm still reeling from it.  It's a very hard pill to swallow to watch people you trained and mentored being promoted past you into positions that you have tried to get for over a decade and constantly being told you aren't good enough.  I want to be happy for these people, I really do, but at this point sensibility has been thrown out the window and once again obsessive rage takes over.  I have been loyal to a fault to the company that has taken almost two decades of my life; taking on vastly more tasks and responsibility than any one else in organization but never once being allowed the positions I apply for.  I find that point funny to the part of sadistically hysterical as I have been promoted and moved into numerous positions in my time with this company, but not one of these positions were ones that I had applied for.  Every positions I have been in, I have been appointed to.  It really is infuriating and it makes it feel like the loyal is really only a one way street with a significant lack of respect.

At this point, I have no idea what the future holds, but I continue to actively look for opportunities as they come and it's unfortunate that the next opportunity may have to be with a new organization.

So it's been a little while since the rejection initially happened and I seem to have weathered it for now.  It didn't come without it's problems of depression, long nights not being able to sleep, and heartburn but I'm a little more at ease now than I have been so hopefully that's the path to recovery.  I try to tell myself not to focus on the past but to do everything I can to prove people wrong and rise above them.  While I hope I am able to do this within my current organization, this push and drive will have me looking any where and every where.  It may well lead me to my own endeavors but time will tell I guess.

All I can do now, is focus on me.  I need to push myself harder and focus on the goal.  I need to draw out a plan of attack and then follow it.  It's not going to be easy, this I know, but it's better than the dark alternatives that my depression was leading me towards.  As long as I can see that I know I have chance to make it happen so here it goes.

So yesterday was quite an interesting day to say the least.  My step-son works as a sales rep through a 3rd party company selling AT&T and DirecTV services.  Most days he is working in some of the less fortunate areas of town with high crime rates.  So it stands to reason it was only a matter of time and yesterday was the day he was held up a gun point.  The robber took his wallet and cell phone (even demanding the lock code).  You would think that would be enough but to make matters worse, we were on our way to him to make sure he was okay when my truck decided to die on the expressway.  I was able to pull over off the road but had to wait almost 2 hours for a tow truck.  I've been told today that apparently the fuel system failed and all had to be replaced; at a cost of $1100.

Now you would think after these two events, the evening would have calmed down but oh no, it got even more interesting.  Soon after we got home, we found someone posting on my step son's Facebook page asking if anyone knew where he was to call the number listed.  Apparently a female indicated she had bought his phone for a $100 and then realized it was stolen.  She wanted to meet him at a gas station and for him to pay her the $100 to get the phone back.  I was immediately skeptical about this.  First of all the worth the phone is a lot more than $100 so I would seriously doubt the thief would have sold it that cheap.  Then there was the urgency in her communication, making the statement she was leaving to go to Orlando at 9:30 at night on a Wednesday.  She started calling various numbers in his phone and finally reached my wife.  When my wife pressed her for her name, she hung up and then a few minutes later turned off the phone.  At least before she turned it off, I was able to track it on Find My Phone and lock it with a pass code that essentially made it useless.

He filed the police report and provided the details on the woman's conversation along with the phone number she had provided to call back with.  He went up to the DMV and got a new license and has fixed his bank cards.  Interestingly enough, he has no wish to change jobs as he enjoys the work so I can say I am proud of the way he has handle this very stressful situation and hopefully he will not be placed in this situation again.

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